Breaking up IS hard to do. I’ve never been very good at it. In my younger years, I would just stop calling a guy if I’d found that our interests diverged, that we weren’t compatible past a certain point.
Then, when I found men I actually cared about, I approached the break up differently. One I forced the break up with because I was going to lose him under other circumstances anyway, why not channel my inner bitch and make the break now? Another stopped talking to me at one point over a plate of food (long story), but we managed to begin dating again. When he revealed that he’d omitted some things about who he was, I ended it. The last one also had some complaints about me, becoming unsure if he was prepared to be in a relationship. I didn’t wait around for him to mull it over and ended it.
In each case though, I held on too long. I got huge claret red flags that he wasn’t it and I wasn’t it for him, and God woman let go. I’m faced with another kind of break up now, between me and the career I envisioned having since I was in college. Some days it’s hard to let go. Just like some of those break ups, after the decision has been made I start to wonder if I’ve made the right choice. Were those guys right, was it me and I should have done or said something different? In this job, I wonder the same thing. I should have left this company before now. I should have been making more contacts all along. I should have done more, been better, been a little less me I suppose.
It took me some time to realize it, but with those men and in this job I am not who I want to be. I don’t want to wear my hair straight all the time as one boyfriend requested. I don’t want to argue all the time as one boyfriend was prone to do. And I don’t want to keep climbing a ladder that leads to something I’m not passionate about and if I’m honest with myself never have been. Those men were stand ins for the real thing, for all my hopes and dreams of what love would look like. Our lives are filled with rest stops on the way to our true destination. There’s nothing wrong with making a pit stop, but in love and in career, it’s best to know when the time is right to get back in the car and get on with the journey.
Showing posts with label Commitment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Commitment. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Friday, May 18, 2007
Commitment
I've found myself in a dating slump again, but spring is here and summer's coming. I expect to strike up conversations at barbecues and to spot good looking men at New York street fairs. I used to loathe dating, find myself disinterested in the pursuit nearly as soon as it began. No longer, not for the last year or so. I've been the girl up for a date with the guy who seems nice enough, who engages me in interesting conversation, throws in a good joke. Why not? I've encouraged myself when I can feel the request for the number approach. I don't regret any of them, but I am looking for something I haven't found in any of them. Come to think of it, not sure I've ever found. I know blanket statements will get us nowhere.
They could all keep their nice dinners and the seemingly sincere, if otherwise motivated, compliments. Or if you're incapable of commitment, don't even bother. Not the commitment of a Tiffany's ring or even necessarily the commitment of a relationship. I'd just like some follow through. You like me you say? Call when you're supposed to. You want to go out on Saturday? Follow up on that email invite. We have a special bond that you don't share with any other woman? For God's sake, don't let me get away.
When I got my first job 7 years ago, I walked in and thought I'd be out of there in two years tops. It didn't happen, but I never thought it was a conscious choice I made. The years passed, but they passed day by day. I wouldn't have gotten to the years if I didn't commit to the day. When these 30 something men avow their desire to get married, how will they commit to years when they can't commit to the day?
They could all keep their nice dinners and the seemingly sincere, if otherwise motivated, compliments. Or if you're incapable of commitment, don't even bother. Not the commitment of a Tiffany's ring or even necessarily the commitment of a relationship. I'd just like some follow through. You like me you say? Call when you're supposed to. You want to go out on Saturday? Follow up on that email invite. We have a special bond that you don't share with any other woman? For God's sake, don't let me get away.
When I got my first job 7 years ago, I walked in and thought I'd be out of there in two years tops. It didn't happen, but I never thought it was a conscious choice I made. The years passed, but they passed day by day. I wouldn't have gotten to the years if I didn't commit to the day. When these 30 something men avow their desire to get married, how will they commit to years when they can't commit to the day?
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Formal Sex
NIKKI
Valentine's Day is creeping up and I've got a Valentine all lined up who goes by the name of Ketel One. Or maybe I'll class it up and cozy up to a bottle of cheap champagne.
No pity, it's my own fault. A guy friend once asked me why I was single. I paused and rifled through the remnants of my past relationships. Was it my moodiness? My short temper? My overlarge feet? No, it's because I want to be. Most single women could have somebody if they wanted, if they really wanted. It's not that I'm so great, it's that generally I'm no worse than anyone else and there are lots of men looking just as hard as women are to find someone they actually like.
Right now, I could probably fashion someone I'm dating into a Valentine if I tried. He's attractive, funny, smart, and treats me well. Except, I made a fatal mistake and let it get too physical too fast. I'm a proponent of doing what you feel when it feels right (Lemontangos knows of what I speak), except there are times when it isn't so much what you feel as it is the unholy progression of things you find yourself unable to stop. Sex creates a sense of intimacy where there once was none. Sometimes you create the real intimacy before the sex and other times you fill in the gaps later during meandering conversations about what cartoons you loved as a kid and why you secretly think Soul Plane is the height of comic cinema. But what if you feel like you missed that window of opportunity or it's rapidly closing and you're not sure how to pry it open? Do you even bother or do you accept the awkwardness of false intimacy and admit that it is nothing more than a physical relationship?
When it comes to sex, I can pretend that I'm completely liberated and see it solely as the expression of a physical need. Only, I think I'd be underplaying my hand. Casual sex is a misnomer for me. In the midst of it and afterwards, nothing much about it feels casual. Sex requires more than just your body. It can be good without real intimacy, but sex with it is always better. A session between the sheets is nice and sometimes necessary, but nothing compares with waking up and seeing a face that you want nothing more than to cover in kisses. I'll drink a whole bottle of champagne (even the good stuff) to finding that again.
Valentine's Day is creeping up and I've got a Valentine all lined up who goes by the name of Ketel One. Or maybe I'll class it up and cozy up to a bottle of cheap champagne.
No pity, it's my own fault. A guy friend once asked me why I was single. I paused and rifled through the remnants of my past relationships. Was it my moodiness? My short temper? My overlarge feet? No, it's because I want to be. Most single women could have somebody if they wanted, if they really wanted. It's not that I'm so great, it's that generally I'm no worse than anyone else and there are lots of men looking just as hard as women are to find someone they actually like.
Right now, I could probably fashion someone I'm dating into a Valentine if I tried. He's attractive, funny, smart, and treats me well. Except, I made a fatal mistake and let it get too physical too fast. I'm a proponent of doing what you feel when it feels right (Lemontangos knows of what I speak), except there are times when it isn't so much what you feel as it is the unholy progression of things you find yourself unable to stop. Sex creates a sense of intimacy where there once was none. Sometimes you create the real intimacy before the sex and other times you fill in the gaps later during meandering conversations about what cartoons you loved as a kid and why you secretly think Soul Plane is the height of comic cinema. But what if you feel like you missed that window of opportunity or it's rapidly closing and you're not sure how to pry it open? Do you even bother or do you accept the awkwardness of false intimacy and admit that it is nothing more than a physical relationship?
When it comes to sex, I can pretend that I'm completely liberated and see it solely as the expression of a physical need. Only, I think I'd be underplaying my hand. Casual sex is a misnomer for me. In the midst of it and afterwards, nothing much about it feels casual. Sex requires more than just your body. It can be good without real intimacy, but sex with it is always better. A session between the sheets is nice and sometimes necessary, but nothing compares with waking up and seeing a face that you want nothing more than to cover in kisses. I'll drink a whole bottle of champagne (even the good stuff) to finding that again.
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