Baggage

NIKKI

I have a habit of carrying too much stuff with me when I go to work. Whenever I take the time to actually go through my bag, I discover receipts for candy bars from CVS, expired Metrocards, and usually 20 different pieces of paper that I no longer need. I'll keep hauling it day in and day out, wondering why my bag is so heavy and why my shoulder is starting to ache. Some days it's easier to carry all my old junk around, than to go through and figure out what's actually worth keeping. I do this with my purses and I do this about men.

I'm not bitter about men or about relationships, but sometimes I do carry around too much stuff. My current crush--the karaoke singing, smart, sexy one--got me to unload some of my stuff the other night. Well, not him on his own, but one of my girlfriends. Karaoke and I have been missing each other still, leaving messages and missed calls in our wake. I had started to give up on ever talking to him, wondering whether he was even worth my time or as interested as I thought. He's just not that into me I would say. I deleted his number, told myself who cares, he's missing out! The backlash had begun despite momentary lapses into "but we had such a good time." My girlfriend, who knows him, stopped that in its tracks the other night with a simple suggestion: give him another chance, he really is a good guy.

Was I hauling extra stuff into this situation? Was I cluttering up one circumstance with others from my own experience and those of my friends? The iPod must have heard my cry because it picked just the right song for me: Bag Lady by Erykah Badu.

Bag Lady you go'n hurt your back/ Dragging all them bags like that

So, I decided to pack light, put away some of the what ifs and worries of what he might think to pursue something that could be worth it. And if it doesn't work? If I pack light only to find that I'm left with the same baggage? Well, I always end up needing to clean my purse out again anyway.

Do All Men Cheat?

LEXI

A few weeks ago I met this guy; he was smart, funny, considerate, and FINE. The first day we met, I ended up spending the whole afternoon with him. Then later that night we talked on the phone for a few hours. We went out every day for almost a week. By our third date, I was hooked, and I'm not one to get hooked easily.

It seemed like every time I saw him, he got better and better to me. My routine was changed, lunch hours were forsaken to see him, and when one of my dates cancelled on me, I barely hesitated to call this guy to see if he wanted to get together.

The thing about it, it felt so natural being so involved so early. We enjoyed lots of "time stands still" kind of kisses. It was the stuff of romance novels. Well, for any of you romance novels fans, you know there's got to be some drama.

The drama didn't present itself immediately, actually, it wasn't until after our fifth date, that's five consecutive days of seeing one another, that my hopes for any relationship with him, and to some degree, my hope in relationships, in general, were dashed.

I was talking to him and we were asking each other about our past relationships. He mentioned that he had dated 8 women, for about a month each, this year. I thought that was interesting that he had these mini-relationships with these different women. His take on it was that some had no potential, but they each served a purpose. Some were for physical attention, and that there was one woman that he dated for a month that he didn't even like, but that he was bored so decided to hang out with her. I was a little shocked by this and asked did he really like any of the women that he had gone out with. He said that there was one in particular that he really liked but that she lived with her boyfriend so their relationship never went that far. I asked whether it bothered him that she was in a relationship. He said that it was her problem, not his.

It got me thinking about whether he was faithful in his own relationhips. I asked if he had been faithful, and he replied no. No..to all the relationships he had ever been in. Wow, that's pretty deep. I got quiet, and he justified his actions by saying that all men cheat. I said that I couldn't beleive that all men cheat. He insisted in so many words that due to biology, society's conditioning, and opportunity, that it was almost guaranteed that men were going to cheat. I was not convinced, but he asked me what incentive men had not to cheat. I said that morals, the prospect of losing their girlfriend/wife/other, and for some a faith in God. He insisted that some of the most revered people in the Bible cheated or had multiple wives. He said that women always confuse cheating with love. He said his cheating didn't mean that he loved his girlfriend or fiancee any less. It was just sex.

I asked if he had been unhappy in the relationships he had, he said no. He told me that it wasn't about being unhappy, it was about having a different experience.

This wasn't the first time I encountered a guy who had never been faithful; one of my ex-boyfriends also told me the same thing. He said that there wasn't anything wrong about his girlfriends or his past relationships; he just wanted what he wanted.

This completely freaks me out, how does a woman fight against infidelity if men tell you that in the end, there isn't anything you can do to prevent it? In some ways it makes sense, cheating is not about the person who is cheated on, it's about the cheater.

The straw that broke the camel's back for this guy was before we hung up he repeated that all men cheat, and then said, your father has probably cheated on your mom. A little background, my parents have been married for over 35 years. I have no reason to believe that my dad has cheated on my mom, but using this guy's criteria, the mere fact that my dad is a man is enough of an indication. Honestly, if I ever found out that my dad cheated on my mom, I might never get married. I know that sounds dramatic, and maybe it is, but my parents are one of the very few happily married couples I know. I don't kid myself, I know that cheating exists in many relationships, but I've got to believe that my parents aren't an anomaly. I've got to believe that the odds of being in a faithful relationship aren't unsurmontable. Otherwise, what's the point?

What do you think, do all men cheat?

The Waiting Game

NIKKI

I hate dating someone I actually like. Backwards perhaps, but true. Nothing is better and nothing is worse than those butterflies of anticipation, except I seem to have not just butterflies, but the entire animal kingdom running wild in my stomach. How am I supposed to be my fun, flirty, cute self when I feel like I had bad fish for lunch? Even worse is dating someone you like and the date actually going well, going better than you even expected. Case in point, my date this week. I got a night of karaoke and sake from a guy I wouldn't have suspected had it in him. We sang some Motown duets and he sang me a love song. In between, there was great conversation and just enough sexual tension to make it interesting. He's smart and sexy, intellectual and ambitious and .. we haven't had a conversation since. No, no don't worry he called and I called, we've just managed to only engage in a lackadaisical game of phone tag.

So, here's the other part I hate: waiting. Waiting for the next phone call, the next "So are you busy on Friday....," and waiting to go out again and see if the first date was a fluke. You check your voicemail incessantly, pore over every detail of the date in your head and with your girlfriends to the point where you even disgust yourself. Sometimes I wish for a guy who is just okay, one who can hold a decent conversation, is fairly attractive, and says one or two things that let you know this isn't going to work. Your girlfriends ask you how the date went and you say something about how nice a guy he is and how you could definitely be friends with him. No butterflies and no sparkling conversation, but also no stress. Uh I'll be back, gotta check my voicemail...

LEXI

I’ve always liked to date; I enjoy the excitement of meeting someone new, getting ready for the date, anticipating what is to come, I like the whole process of dating. Dating, for me, is kind of like traveling. You get a taste for a new culture, you may want to visit again, but unless a place feels really comfortable, generally you don’t feel the need to settle down there. I've enjoyed learning about and experiencing different men, but rarely have I felt the need for an extended stay with any one man.

In high school, I wasn’t much of a dater, but I hit my stride in college. My first year in college, my girlfriends would tease me about how much I dated, and said that I had a flavor of the month. I’d flit from guy to guy, a few dates here, maybe even several dates over the course of years, but I never had a boyfriend. For me, it was the chase that was exciting, not necessarily the prospect of catching anyone.

About six years ago, I moved to New York and the dating merry-go-round started again. There was a time that I could almost guarantee that I would see at least one guy I dated at any party or social function I attended. In New York, the dating pool began to feel like a baby pool. I like dating, but I realize I kept it casual because I didn’t want to get hurt and I also wasn’t meeting anyone who made me want to change my routine. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve met a lot of great guys, but I’ve infrequently felt that chemistry with a man, that elusive feeling that made me want to go further. Sometimes I think I rely too much on feeling that chemistry, but I know myself; I’m a passionate person and I can’t be in a lukewarm relationship.

NIKKI

I’ve been told I’m relationship prone, and two of my girlfriends seem convinced that I always have someone or am never too far from it. Two other girlfriends pegged me as the marrying kind a couple of years ago. I deny every one of those characterizations, even though I prefer relationships to dating and I was that little girl who imagined the details of her wedding. I will admit that finding people I like hasn't really been a problem. Of course, I like some more than others, but in my post-college adulthood I have found good boyfriend material. Some of my girlfriends complain that never meet anyone in whom they have a real interest, and have gone years without meeting one. So lately, I've started to wonder, am I imagining chemistry with these guys? Is my loneliness overcompensating for character flaws that should have otherwise ruled them out? At the end of it, of course, I see it all clearly. I'll know that he was a good guy, but not the guy for me. I'll look back and know that I could have never been happy with someone who didn't find Vince Vaughn f-ing hilarious.

Maybe I'm slower than other women, and some people spot on the first date what it takes me months to accept. But if I had written them all off at the first sign of less than perfection, I would know less about what is actually perfect for me. I would have never known that the guy who is right for me doesn't need to love foreign food like I do, because I had that and it didn't matter. The guy for me also doesn't need to be as fiery as I am about politics or social change, because I had that and it got on my damn nerves. I don't regret any of my experiences, but maybe it is time for a different tactic.

So, this is a different tactic. Only recently have I found the ability to like dating just for the sake of dating. If you find someone you like and who likes you, what’s wrong with getting into a relationship? Except I know I have to watch where I step because sometimes the two of you together just aren’t made for that, and sometimes you still have an ex you need to get over, and sometimes you’re getting into a relationshp only because you want someone to cuddle with and be your reliable Friday night date. But maybe, that’s just relationship prone me.

Two years ago on February 14th, two of these dating divas sat at home without flowers or candy or stuffed bears and certainly without men. We didn’t care, though, Valentine’s Day is a holiday engineered by florists to move more product (Sigh) … except well we did care, a lot. That night, we vowed to have a date by the 15th of the next month, and every 15th after that. It’s not that we didn’t date, but we’d never had a goal like this. It became a reason to smile a little more at a party and be a little bolder about flirting with the guy we had our eye on. The 15th is almost here we might think, so maybe I'll save the Netflix for next weekend. We got in and out of relationships, and then rounded out to a trio. Now, we’re back to our original goal: a man on Valentine’s Day.

We've stepped up our game so that we go on a date a week. We'll share our dates with you and along the way think, write, and occasionally gush and bitch about our dating life and the seemingly unending search for love in the Big City. It will be funny, thought provoking, and (we hope) hardly ever depressing, but dating in New York will never be boring.